As early as March of last year I had plans already for my forthcoming 40th birthday, I wanted to celebrate it with few close friends and family with plenty of cakes to blow. I was eyeing Tong Yang in Jupiter to be the venue because it’s perfect for the big-eaters, hahaha, seriously I think everyone would enjoy the grilling and cooking plus its limitless offering would be worth every penny. But some things are not meant to happen and everything I initially planned went to scratch, I was upset for a time 😦 but considering too many things in exchange of that little party I just brush it off to let go of the negative feeling.
Soon as January pulls in everyone I know was asking me of my plans on the 14th but I kept mum, I’d rather not say anything, I remained muted and actually planned nothing, I was thinking it would just pass by like any other ordinary day and people would forget it by then. I can take a day off from work as well so people at the workplace would not notice it at all. The thing is I don’t want to toss a single cent anymore after gauging I’m over, over my finances already after the posh Christmas month and yet I haven’t treated myself to a really, really nice gift. I thought it’s not bad to be self-seeking this time besides we’re talking of hard-earned money here. But the generous side of me still won and I splurge a little one last time. 😀
A day before my birthday I emailed my group, including some really close friends at the office that I will be treating them for lunch, no surprises like last year. I don’t intend to impress anyone and all I wanted is to get over it, period. Maybe that happens when you’re 40, you feel strangely empty and lonely and at times I feel to hit the downhill slide to shabbiness and passing away. Too morbid, sigh!
I was least expectant this year, I don’t really care if my group will give me a surprise something or not, it won’t matter anyway because I feel near the ground, I had issues at work, I had issues at home, what else is to expect. I arrived at my office passed 9am, trying to act as if turning 40 is a good milestone, “coming of age”, etc. Brouhaha. I was welcomed with this,
…my doting team put forth some effort this time, even if it was the simplest I can still account that they give it a shot. And I appreciate those little things, need not to mention the flowers, the decors, the scrap-card thing, the donuts, the cake –I suddenly feel loved! ♥
But my happiness that day was a bit fake, I know I’m beginning to feel emotional yet again not because I feel old and pathetic, there’s just things worrying me and keeping me upset. That I couldn’t tell, that I couldn’t recognize, that I couldn’t pinpoint. They say life begins at 40 and I am lucky that at this point of my life I am mated (to a very uncomplaining one), I am healthy (tho I’m easy to catch flu these days), I am employed and I am sleeping through the night. And this is the time to reinvent myself, to what? Seriously I don’t see myself getting a new job at my age, I don’t like a new career if that’s what reinventing supposed to mean. I’ve always wanted to be writer but my grammar sucks. 😦 I’ve always wanted to be a cook but never really gave time. 😦 So, I’m seeing myself stuck at this old job for the next 10 years unless the husband finally pushes that immigration thing.
On a more serious note, being 40 doesn’t really need to change a bit of me. It’s just a number, the face in the mirror doesn’t look 40 at all, hahaha. I may have a few regrets but I have my happy years when I was younger and that being good at being young isn’t awful like what some had misconstrued. I don’t need a younger outlook because I need to embrace the middle age and its complications. I’m fortunate to have reached this age. I just need more sunshine to keep me in the go.
To all who dearly remembered and sent greetings on my birthday my heartfelt thanks to each of you, you made my special day a truly wonderful one. 😛